One time Mommy read me a book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. He thought his day was bad? Mine was so much worse.
Last night was rough. I kept feeling this horribly weird poking sensation in my mouth. When Mommy and Daddy put me to bed I kept crying because it hurt. Mommy and Daddy took turns coming in. Every time Mom came in she would stick her finger in my mouth and I would hear words like “Sharp tooth” “New one” “Poor baby.” Did she really think sticking her fingers in my mouth would help? She doesn’t like it when I stick my fingers in her mouth. Why did she think I would like it? Every time Daddy came in he rocked me and sang to me. Nice gesture. But that doesn’t do anything for the pain. Usually I don’t like to bother my parents when they sleep, but I was crying because it really hurt. I don’t know why I bothered them. They didn’t help me anyway. At one point my parents gave me a bottle. “You think I’m hungry?” I want to blurt out, but can only do it in my language—I cry and refuse to eat.
I cry again and Mommy comes in. She picks me up and carries me through the lit hallway. I squint because it hurts my eyes. “What is she doing to me now?” I am carried into my parent’s bedroom and I hear Mommy say, “She’s sleeping with us. I am too tired to keep walking down the hallway.” “What?” I try to shout, “I have to sleep with you guys?” I like my bed. I know they wouldn’t want to sleep in my crib with me so what makes them think I’ll want to sleep in their bed with them? Mommy and Daddy’s bed is scary. Sometimes I wake up and see their huge bodies on either side of me. I get scared they will roll on top of me. I cry so that they don’t forget that I am there. My mouth still hurts.
Mommy’s alarm clock goes off way too early. “6AM? You think I want to get up now?” I am mad. I see Daddy go back to sleep as Mommy gets up. I know they want me to go back to sleep too but its just too hard. My tooth hurts, I’m angry at my mom and now I’m getting hungry. Finally Daddy gives me breakfast. Milk, just what I like for breakfast! Oh, but it hurts my mouth to suck! I am mad again.
Mommy leaves for work and I am happy to get some time without her sticking her hands in my mouth so I can rest. Then Daddy straps me into my car seat and we’re off. Where are we going? I decide to fall asleep in the car. I am rudely awakened when I have to—what?—get shots? Today? When my mouth already hurts? This is cruel.
Three shots are jabbed into me. I scream. I scream again. And again. Why? Why me? Why today? I am trying to be a good girl but it is too hard. What am I supposed to do? My mouth hurts and now my legs hurt. We come home, and luckily, I quickly fall asleep. When I wake up my Daddy puts me in my car seat again and says we have to pick up Mommy. I am wearing a ridiculous outfit and worry I might see my friends. Is he trying to embarrass me?
When we come home Mommy tells me it is time for lunch. She says I am going to try a new food. I get excited—I usually like new food. Then she gives it to me. What in the world is she thinking? Green beans? I stick out my tongue and refuse to swallow. Green beans slide out of my mouth. I stare at my Mommy with an evil eye—I need to make sure she knows this behavior was NOT acceptable and that she never gives it to me again.
I am grumpy all afternoon. Why? Not because I want to be bad, but because everyone is torturing me.
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day has got NOTHING on me.